I’m having one of those days today. Honestly, I would just like to go back to sleep and wait until tomorrow comes.
I’m pretty lucky that these days don’t happen very often but when they hit, they’re unpleasant.
On these days life feels like a huge chore. Every little thing that I have to do today feels enormous, like if I don’t do it then the world is going to end and my friends will be disappointed in me and my cat won’t love me anymore.
The problem is that my logical head knows this is ridiculous and yet these thoughts still hover like a little black cloud.
A lot of my problem is that there is this big wall between me and those who love me. It’s a stupid wall, I know that because I constructed it myself. At the moment I’m trying to find a way to break it down.
My wall started with a little brick of a question. ‘Hi Clair! How are you?’ My mouth answered ‘I’m good thanks, and you?’ My mouth does that a lot. It thinks independently of my brain and my feelings. Maybe the truth is that today I feel old and burdened and I just want to cry. But you’re not going to say that, are you?
We all know that one person whose wellbeing you ask about only to be met with with a tirade of their troubles. We generally go out of our way to avoid that person because when we leave them we feel drained with a case of TMI.
But, we asked didn’t we? And that person responded in an honest manner and told you exactly how they were doing. Is this a symptom of social conditioning, or a desire to not burden other people with our problems because we don’t want to be a mood hoover and bring someone down?
I haven’t got a clue. So I simply say ‘I’m fine thanks’.
I did it just now. My boss phoned me and requested a meeting with him and a senior manager. I told him I was ok and yes, I would be there.
I’m not ok. My world is not ok. I don’t feel like I’m ok. At least not today.
I know it will pass. I have too many good things to look forward to. But if nothing else then at least I admitted the truth to myself here. Where no one is watching.
Is that a brick I hear falling?
2 comments:
when i feel like this, i go to blogs of bereaved parents (go blog yourself) or survivors of horrible events (nie nie) and read and read and it makes me realize that no matter how bad i think i have it, someone else's circumstances are always worse and that i am really blessed if i choose to look at it that way :) hope u feel better soon
btw you should get ride of the word verification, it deters comments :P there are directions in my scroll bar - kelly
Hi Kelly!
Thanks for stopping by. :)
I'm usually pretty positive but today I just felt like I needed to spew some stuff out and get it over with! It's done now though and I am feeling better.
We're all allowed a bad day every now and then!
Thanks for the tip on the word verification. Have disabled it. :)
Clair :)
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